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February 27, 2012
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There was once this giant squid that lived in an old lady's aquarium for four years. He was dead inside because he had dreamed of becoming an actor at the age of 3. He was four then and felt like since he missed his chance, he'd never act again. He'd swim around and cry all day and night and eat snails straight from the garden because he had really long tentacles.

LISTEN TO THIS, after he ate a bunch of the snails, the old lady had had enough of the carnage since she was a vegetarian and only ate grass. She threw the squid out and told him to get a job by Monday or she wouldn't take him back. Well, what was he supposed to do? So he did the only thing a squid can do in a tight pickle. He ate her alive. That is just nature. He ate her whole, too, with no breaks. He had had enough also. The only thing he didn't eat were her shining pearls her grand-nephew had gotten her for her two-hundred and thirty-fourth birthday.  

The squid was a monster but he wasn't a monster. Eating someone's pretty pearls is a pretty douche-baggy thing to do, wouldn't you agree?

After devouring her, he finally left his tank, the tank he hadn't been out of since he was a little ugly, gross, disgusting squid baby. On shaky squiddly legs, he decided he'd hitchhike to Hollywood and find an acting job.

And this is how he and I met.

I was working at a sushi restaurant in the big Holly to the Wood when I saw him jump out of a pick-up truck. And I knew he was a killer the moment I laid eyes on him. I knew he had a dark past and we were bound and destined to become the greatest of friends and the worst of enemies.

I came out of the shop and met him at the door. "What are you doing out here, Squid? This is a rough world outside of the ocean."

"Never been to the ocean" he said, laying limply beside my sandaled feet and getting my toes wet.

"You don't say? Tank then?"

"Yeah, can you tell?"

"You seem to be wet behind the ears a bit."

And then I stomped on his head.


The End
This is a 100% true story.
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:iconlinkums:
Linkums Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I love when you write stuff like this, whether in a submission or conversation. It cracks me up. XD
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:iconpandazilla:
Pandazilla Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2012
I don't even remembering writing this lol Thanks for commenting.
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:iconmoombeam36:
Moombeam36 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Unfortunate that he died.
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:iconpandazilla:
Pandazilla Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012
He had to. There was no future for a squid who'd never been to the ocean before.
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:iconchaosfive-55:
Chaosfive-55 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I agree! :iconyesyesyesplz: Best thing you could have done for him, I mean, REALLY! A squid who never knew the ocean? He'd be a laughingstock, everybody kraken jokes about him!
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:iconpandazilla:
Pandazilla Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012
Haha! Kraken! Hoo boy. And you're right. Nobody would respect him and he wouldn't have any friends.
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:iconchaosfive-55:
Chaosfive-55 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes, his life would have been a calamari...
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:iconpandazilla:
Pandazilla Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012
I sea what you did there!
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:iconchaosfive-55:
Chaosfive-55 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:lol: Well, yeah! One mustn't be shellfish, you know!
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:iconpandazilla:
Pandazilla Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012
I can't... :rofl: BREATHE! :lmao:
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