There was once this giant squid that lived in an old lady's aquarium for four years. He was dead inside because he had dreamed of becoming an actor at the age of 3. He was four then and felt like since he missed his chance, he'd never act again. He'd swim around and cry all day and night and eat snails straight from the garden because he had really long tentacles.
LISTEN TO THIS, after he ate a bunch of the snails, the old lady had had enough of the carnage since she was a vegetarian and only ate grass. She threw the squid out and told him to get a job by Monday or she wouldn't take him back. Well, what was he supposed to do? So he did the only thing a squid can do in a tight pickle. He ate her alive. That is just nature. He ate her whole, too, with no breaks. He had had enough also. The only thing he didn't eat were her shining pearls her grand-nephew had gotten her for her two-hundred and thirty-fourth birthday.
The squid was a monster but he wasn't a monster. Eating someone's pretty pearls is a pretty douche-baggy thing to do, wouldn't you agree?
After devouring her, he finally left his tank, the tank he hadn't been out of since he was a little ugly, gross, disgusting squid baby. On shaky squiddly legs, he decided he'd hitchhike to Hollywood and find an acting job.
And this is how he and I met.
I was working at a sushi restaurant in the big Holly to the Wood when I saw him jump out of a pick-up truck. And I knew he was a killer the moment I laid eyes on him. I knew he had a dark past and we were bound and destined to become the greatest of friends and the worst of enemies.
I came out of the shop and met him at the door. "What are you doing out here, Squid? This is a rough world outside of the ocean."
"Never been to the ocean" he said, laying limply beside my sandaled feet and getting my toes wet.
"You don't say? Tank then?"
"Yeah, can you tell?"
"You seem to be wet behind the ears a bit."
And then I stomped on his head.